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Yesterday, while working at my desk, my eyes strayed from the computer to enjoy a brief look outside my window. My home was quiet. No sound of laughter, no cries, no little human holding my face in her pudgy hands while planting kisses all over. It was my younger daughter’s first day at a great neighborhood day care center, where she will attend three days a week. As much as it pained me to hear her cry, I kissed and hugged her goodbye. I love having her at home, but I was getting to my breaking point. It was all just too much. When I was first given the news she was accepted, I felt a wave of regret, like “What have I done?” Maybe I made the wrong decision. The self-doubt hit me like a ton of bricks. I instantly hugged my daughter, who for several weeks had been talking about going to school. She missed her old school terribly, and she was sad every time we dropped off her sister to school. I wanted to call the school back to say, “I think I made a mistake,” but I simply held on to my little one. I hugged her and felt my heart snap like a crispy florentine by one of the contestants from The Great British Bake Off . If only it was followed by a dripping topping of mango coulis, would it capture what followed. Tears. Enjoying a break from work while making silly faces. At that moment, the universe reminded me that I gave birth to one of the sweetest little humans. She hugged me right back and said, “Mommy, don’t cry. I going to be okay,” in her sweetest three year old voice. Add that to her tiny arms wrapped around me, and her little soft hands patting my back. She had the power to erase a tsunami of life’s problems. I knew I would be okay, but having been home since March has made it very difficult to let go of her. I know for sure that having her home with me made it easier to let her sister go off to pre-k during these uncertain times. She made all of it easier. And now, after weeks of telling me how she misses her sister and school, I gave in and decided to let her go. I hate to admit it, but after dropping her off, at first I felt okay. I almost felt like I should be a little sadder after hearing her cries for me, but I knew that she was in good hands. Guilt, that unnecessary emotion, reared its ugly head, and I was starting to question everything. Am I doing this right? Should my girls be at school? Should I be taking my children out to the playground everyday? Should they be in school part time? Should I still have the occasional play date? Unfortunately, this is what COVID-19 has done to many parents. It has turned us into indecisive, fumbling messes, and if this is where you are at this point, I understand. I had to stop my brain from running amuck and remind myself that my children are happy and healthy. As mothers in this time, so much responsibility has been placed on us to get things right. Some are having to defend their decisions whether it is full time remote learning, or hybrid learning. Let’s just each trust that we have all made the right decisions for our families, our children and our sanity.

Today turned out beautifully. I woke up with the plan to simply do some organizing. The universe heard my plea and granted me a visit from mom who helped me a bit. Even though all I wanted to was sleep, I allowed my daughter to convince me to go out to play in the snow—although she didn’t have to convince me much because if there’s snow involved, I’m in. As much as I’m a planner, I leave room for spontaneity. It is really in these moments I tend to have the most fun. We were the only ones at the playground, and moved to the park. It was quiet and beautiful with fluffy snow. We were exhausted by the end of the time there. Sometimes, that’s all it takes; an exhausted parent who takes the kids out on a snowy day to make it, the perfect day. What are you up to? Photo Snow Fight, Renata Poleon, 2021

In my house, weekends are made for organizing, and taking care of my plants. After being given one plant by my mother, I have done quite a bit of transplanting and turned it into five. I have also added a few more of my own select plants that have grown amazingly. Growth, Renata Poleon, 2024 My mom walks in always amazed by how beautiful my plants look. I seem to have a green thumb. It really just helps calm my space and gives me something to take care of other than my sweet girls. I also enjoy having breakfast when I can near my plants. To all the houseplants that bring joy and calm everyday and the weekend. May your weekend be as bountiful as my plants. Bountiful, Renata Poleon 2024 (Top photo Tropical, Renata Poleon, 2020)

Happy Holidays from my family to yours. I know that the holidays are a time for family, sharing and giving. A time to reflect on what has passed in anticipation of what is to come. I want us to remember those who are not in a place to celebrate in a way that evokes all these feelings. I want us to remember those who are sick, those who have been abandoned by family, or have had to make the choice of severing ties with toxic family members. Let’s remember those reliving trauma, or have lost loved ones who they once made memories with. Remember people living in poverty and experiencing food shortage. Remember the houseless. Pray for them and hopefully take action to help in any way you can. Love on the little ones who are experiencing their first Christmas, and the ones who are fighting for their lives. May this be a great day for those who couldn’t buy gifts for anyone, but gave their time and love to everyone around them, because that is what counts the most. Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Hanukkah and Happy festivities to those who simply show up for the food.

I have never mentioned the name Santa Claus in my house. My older daughter is four years old and she knows nothing of a jolly man, with a big belly coming down the chimney to put her Christmas gifts under the tree. My girls have never taken a picture at a mall sitting on Santa’s lap, and I don’t ever plan on doing it. I know what you’re thinking. My children will be missing out on their childhood and having something to believe in. I just believe Christmas can be magical without the concept or belief in Santa Claus. It is just as special without me getting them to believe that receiving a gift is dependent on how ‘good’ they are throughout the year and a fictional character will be the one delivering it. Here is the thing. I grew up on an island where the idea of Santa Claus coming down a chimney, couldn’t remotely be part of my reality, because we had no chimneys. It’s not even real for so many kids in the United States or any developed country, because even right here in my tiny Brooklyn apartment, there is no chimney. I didn’t enjoy Christmas for many years after I moved to the United States, because it didn’t feel as special as it did when I was a child. I remembered my grandmother changing the curtains and giving the house a deep in preparation for Christmas day. Decorations were light with just lights to signify the holidays. What I do remember on Christmas Day is that I woke up to the smell of freshly baked bread and meats stewing in the pot. Later came the family sized portions of mac and cheese, rice and beans and an assortment of foods for dinner and dessert that the adults in the family helped prepare. I don’t recall gifts, but I remember waking up to this amazing day just knowing it was special. The only thing that made it special before my children, was getting cozy on my couch watching as many Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel and Lifetime. I also watch Christmas classics like Miracle on 34th Street and the hilarious Bad Santa. Since having my first daughter, I’ve gotten a tree, decorated the house, bought gifts and made time to watch Christmas movies that both my girls have come to love. Our alternative Christmas traditions focus more on giving this year and moving forward, because this is really what the holidays and Christmas are about. It’s about family, community and giving. Even though this should already be happening throughout the year, the Christmas season reminds us to not forget. This is the kind of Christmas I want to pass on to my daughters. Whether you choose to incorporate Santa into your holidays or no Santa at all, let’s focus on the intended meaning of Christmas.

I sat on the Q train heading to work from my early morning math class. I get about half an hour to relax my mind before I get to work, so I either reflect on the things I can do to improve my life or blank out from my lack of sleep since July 2015 . Today, I was blasting some of my newly discovered musical artists, and I let my mind drift. As a mother of daughters, the universe gave me major blessings , because it knew all my life experience and wisdom could be passed down to my girls. Growing up, I have always had a very close relationship with my mother. She passed on so much wisdom to me , and one of the more important gems she passed on was learn to let people go, in her thick St. Lucian accent. At the time, I thought the advice was not exactly comforting, considering what I was going through. I was a teenager after all. I come from a culture where people are not too keen on mincing words, so her words may not always be what I wanted to hear at the time, but it was really what I needed. She jolts me back to reality during difficult circumstances even though all I want to do is sulk and be miserable for a couple of minutes. Sometimes, she is a little too much of an optimist I might say. Nonetheless, she simply wanted me to understand that everything and everyone has a season. It was up to me to determine how long the season would last . Even though I have always had a strong sense of self from a young age, her advice alone wasn’t enough. This was a lesson I could only learn through life experience and a journey could not avoid. One of the foundational elements of learning to let go—whether they left or you left—is knowing your self-worth. A breakup is always difficult, but you need to eventually see the opportunity you’ve been given when a partner or friend leaves. You go through the stages of grief quite like when a loved one passes away. Getting to acceptance can be long and hard, but being thankful for the time spent together and the lessons learned is genuinely one of the most healing parts of this process. You may not see it, but the universe may have done you a favor. When the school of life is your teacher, you cannot always predict the timing of these lessons and the severity of its impact. What you do have control of is your response to it. - Christopher Walken As time goes on, you can clearly define your expectations from others in a way that may even surprise you, but leaves you feeling more fulfilled. You gain a greater sense of what you're worth. Another important aspect I needed to learn on my own is certain people attract the brokenness in others. There tends to be the assumption that you attract what you give, but that is not necessarily always the case. Opposites attract for a reason, but you need to know, it is not your job to fix a broken person, because it eventually either depletes you or breaks you. It is these experiences that enhance who we are as people, because without adversity, what is there to learn? There are some lessons I wish I had been taught early on, like feeling comfortable articulating boundaries, learning to identify behaviors and personalities that can lead to toxic relationships, and learning to trust my gut a bit more, because not everyone deserves a seat at the table of your life. (Photo from Canva)

Being a parent can be one of the most joyful experiences of your life, and it of course comes with great responsibility. That responsibility can wear even the most prepared parent to the point that your mental health may be in question at times. It can all become too much so quickly. As parents and primarily as women, we are taught that all this responsibility lies on us. Many of us weren’t taught how to care for ourselves in ways that prevent burnout. I don’t ever recall a moment when my mother and I spoke on the importance of self-care as part of wellness and well-being. For this reason, I am learning to incorporate wellness habits on my own. Here are 5 ways parents can help keep your spirit and energy afloat: 1. Make a menu for the week Unless you’ve done this, you don’t know how much of a life saver that planning your family meals can be. In these pandemic times, I think people are experiencing what I like to call food fatigue . Being home with the kids and having to figure out every breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner can be so mentally exhausting, especially if you have to work. I’d start well with breakfast, and by the time we got dinner, with all the complaints and the request for modifications, all I wanted to do was make them oatmeal with a side of fruit and send them to bed. I had enough of it. Once I began meal planning, it began to get easier not having to think about what to make an hour before dinner. I also told my kids you eat what you can off that plate, since there is no force feeding at my house. I make small modifications, like if someone doesn’t quite like potatoes, they can have rice, but the full meal does not change. You also know that I am not a sous chef, therefore, if you refuse to eat, your only options are crackers and cheese or cereal. There will be no striking of the pot just for you. By all means, carry on with the tears while I enjoy my five star meal. 2. Breathing exercises and stretching with/without the kids Breathing exercises are part of my daily routine whether it be for 2 or 5 minutes, several times throughout the day. Doing this is a reminder to be in the present, and connect with not not just your physical existence, but also make a spiritual connection. From the time the girls were little, I made it a point to teach them how to cope with big feeling/emotions by practicing breathing exercises. It has been a life saver, because nothing is better than finding a method that allows children to sit in their feelings and yet exit them in a calm and constructive way. I also enjoy stretching with the girls at least twice a week, especially on Sundays. It is a time for us to keep limber bodies, but also to have fun. The laughter that happens when they exercise with me keeps me motivated and happy to share such simple joys with them. When I’m on my own, I enjoy the focus on stretches and that quiet time to focus on me. Just create a good routine and you will see the benefits. 3. Take warm baths/showers Studies show that warm showers or baths help relieve symptoms of depression, increase energy, improve sleep. After a long day, nothing feels more soothing than taking a warm bath or shower. Outside of the physical cleansing, it acts as a spiritual cleansing that can help you feel like you’ve washed off the weight of today and you’re ready to venture out into tomorrow. Timing is also great with showers or baths. If you’re a single parent, a parent of very young children or a partner who is not home till after the kids’ bath time, reserve this sacred time for after they have been been put to bed. If you have help, request that all kids be kept away and really make this time for you; a glass of wine, candle, a good book, or maybe some other toys. I’m not judging. 4. Sleep Sleep is vital part of physical and mental wellness. Having too little sleep or the inability to have enough sleep leads to so many sleep disorders. So many parents walk around sleep deprived, because there is so much to do in so few hours. The demands of parenthood and life literally keeps us awake at night. Whether you need to consult your doctor or create a sleep routine, find a way to begin improving your sleep or burnout will be in your future. 5. Journal I love writing, and for me, journaling is easy, but even that took a back seat for some time. Fortunately, journal entries don’t have to be two pages long to feel adequate. Something as simple as how you feel when you got up can be a great start. My therapist reminded me that even one word is enough, because sometimes that is all you can muster up for the day. Just expressing that emotion is a great thing especially since being a mom or dad is an emotionally exhausting responsibility. While your child expresses every emotion to the moon and back, you have to be calm and restrained so as to not make the circumstances worse. Those emotions are pushed into a corner of your brain. These need to be let out and released and journaling is a great start. Do it often and it becomes a great habit. These are the habits I have tried to implement in my life with much success. It is okay to be a committed parent, but you also have to invest in you. Share your own self-care tips. (Photo by Rachel Claire on Pexels.com )

Happy birthday to me. I am so grateful to be here another year on this planet, breathing, as healthy as I can be with a chronic illness and loving those around me. As I get older, one thing I value about myself is my ability to be authentic. What you see is what you get. I am tactfully honest, I care about people, and I am doing the work necessary to grow mentally and spiritually. I love myself, and whatever parts I don’t love so much, I’m working on making the changes so I can love me even more. As I celebrate another year around the sun, I am reminded that the one person I have to live with is me . “She matters, she is enough, she is precious, and the more I take care of her, the more she takes care of me. She is deserving of everything good.” I am grateful. I am here. I am alive and I will keep living.

Two weeks ago, I finally committed to a trip that required us to be in the car for three plus hours. I have a child who has severe motion sickness, and it means car sickness that can sometimes become overwhelming and very worrying. If executed right, she can last a two hour trip, so with an invitation from a friend, we booked an Airbnb, packed the car and off we went. I was ecstatic. For a long time, I was going through a severe case of escapism. All I wanted to do was leave NYC and go somewhere as rural as possible, much like my native country. I’m a girl from a small fishing village who is enamored with nature. It fills me with joy, hope, and excitement. I feel more connected to myself and Mother Earth when I am among trees and near the ocean. I feel a deep sense of calm. As we left the city, I was hopeful that the trip would be a successful one—aka no vomiting. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. My daughter kept vomiting and traffic was a nightmare. Even in the midst of that, we took a break at a rest stop overlooking NYC from near Edgewater NJ. It was beautiful. Even though it was windy and cold, I appreciated the beauty around me and the city in the not-so-distant view. We enjoyed the many colors of fall from the changing colors of the leaves as we drove further upstate. By the time we made it to the mountains, I was over it and ready to just take a nap. Rinsing off clothes, hydrating, and feeding people were the focus. We were happy to see our friends who were already there. It was dark and we were just happy to have a beautiful apartment to rest our heads. Somehow, I had enough strength to put together a quick dinner of salmon and sautéed vegetables. The night was pretty much over. Then I woke up in the morning and was greeted by an amazing view of colorful trees right outside. We got to enjoy a petting zoo and Liv got to enjoy a pony ride with her friend. Liv loved feeding the animals after getting over her initial fear. Scar could not be bothered and kept enjoying her time playing on the tiny play area. The weather wasn’t the best for the two days that we were there, but we made the best of it by relaxing, watching the kids play, and really connecting with nature. I wish we could have stayed longer and really explored Main Street. As a Hallmark Channel lover, especially around Christmas time, I imagined myself being part of small-town life. When we left Hunter Mountain through the winding hills, my heart began to miss the place that was now in the rearview mirror. I had only gotten to know for two days, but it felt like home. Hopefully, we will be back soon. What are your plans for this weekend whether you celebrate Halloween or not?

Breakups can be hard. They have the potential to wreak emotional and psychological havoc, depending on how you process the change. There are no rules on how to make breakups work. You may be part of the “ You’re dead to me crowd ,” but if amicable, you can wish your ex the best with or without the intention of remaining friends. There is no particularly wrong or right way to be an ex, as long as there is no abuse (physical, psychological, sexual, or emotional), but there are those circumstances where exes remain physically intimate with each other. This is the one situation that is usually frowned upon. The one that is generally viewed as a weakness or a sign of poor decision-making. Fortunately, you will not be shamed here for that decision, rather, we will explore the many reasons why you’re still sleeping with your ex . 1. It feels comfortable and familiar When time and effort have been invested in a relationship, there is a sense of comfort and familiarity that feels so good. Change can be difficult, and we all have needs. It is that safety that keeps you crawling back into each of your ex’s beds. Having to learn the needs and wants of another partner feels like too much work, so you just want to go back to what you know. 2. You want to avoid the pain of a breakup Our culture has a habit of making it seem like moving on from a relationship should be the easiest thing, but it isn’t. It can be downright traumatic. So sometimes as a way to avoid the pain, you will resort to maintaining a “purely” sexual relationship—however you choose to define that. 3. You find it easier than grieving the end of the relationship The end of a relationship is much like a death and is processed in very much the same way. For that reason, you find it incredibly easier to get back into old routines. Having to acknowledge that the relationship has come to an end may be too painful to process, so you numb it out through sex. It’s the act of wanting your ex in any capacity, instead of suffering the loss. 4. Sex may have been the best part of your relationship Let’s be honest. Sometimes, it can simply be that the best sex you had was with your ex. Ending a relationship does not always mean the sparks are gone. To suddenly go from a great and active sex life, to no sex life can be difficult for you, so rather than lose that connection, you keep your sex life going. 5. You’re afraid to start over So now, we’re moving into dicier waters. This is a fear that so many people experience after a breakup, hence the variation in when people start dating again. It can be weeks, months, or years. The fear of starting over can stagnate or even cripple an individual into sometimes such behaviors. Much like salmon, instead of flowing downstream to adapt to salty ocean water,s you attempt to swim upstream. 6. You think you will be better co-parents Another perspective for those bonded together by children is that the connection helps the co-parenting relationship. However distorted it may seem, the bond of your children can have a powerful hold on relationships between parents. It has kept entire families together whether happy or unhappy. Sex with the ex takes on an almost whole different meaning then. 7. You can’t or won’t say no Absent of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, some people just either can’t or won’t say no to the ex. There may be some deeper wounds that need healing in that situation. For all the reasons mentioned above and below, even when there is a commitment to yourself to not have sex with your ex, you somehow end up right back there. It then becomes a factor of not being able to maintain your boundaries and that may need some serious relearning. 8. You think your partner might change eventually I am all but too familiar with this reason. The one where you hope that your partner will get a clue eventually, and keeping the sexual connection, can motivate some emotional changes. Honestly, sometimes sex is just sex. Nothing more or less, and to hope for the realization of love is like holding yourself hostage. At some point, you might have to realize that your hopes may never materialize. 9. You still love/like your ex And last, but not least, you might still love your ex. That’s it. You’re still there, not just because of the ex, but because you still love your ex. At the end of it all, you need to decide where maintaining this long-term is worth your while.